3. I am a Mormon!!!!

So there has been this somewhat obvious dilemma in my mind about the kind of life I want to live. I've been exposed to very different lifestyles, and sometimes alternative lifestyles seem appealing to me. Sometimes people not of my faith seem to be much happier, seem to enjoy life a lot more, and I thought that I didn't want to stifle myself. Thus the timid experimenting or mild dabbling in forbidden pleasures. But then I had an experience a week ago that may have clarified things for me once again.

I love the people I work with at Outback. They are why I now work full time at outback and will soon be leaving my meter job. I love working with the kids, of course, but I really love the different people I work with, and how almost every day I have an inspirational talk with someone, and hear about different ways of viewing the world. I really do cherish that.

But my exposure to these people has led me to question my way of life. Has led me to want to broaden my horizons, so to speak. And then last Monday, a very kind and wonderful girl from my work invited me to a party she was having at her house in salt lake. She had invited all the off-rotation staff. I have been trying to say yes to things more, to get out and do things, so I went.

Let me clarify. Party was actually some nachos and a movie. Anyway, I carpooled with my closest friend from Outback, Emily, who is also a tad bit on the fringes of this group but not Mormon and so in a way, fits in more. We were some of the first to get there, and chatted while others filtered in.

I must preface this by saying I really do love these people; they are wonderful and live great lives and do great things with their lives, and I think they are amazing field staff.

But I did not enjoy hanging out with them. There were three guys for a while, then another showed up, but they all got their beers and smoked constantly. The girls also drank beer and smoked, which is not weird for me, not uncomfortable, really, except that this time I was the only one not doing it. But though I have thought somewhat longlingly and reminiscently of drinking lately, I was not even remotely tempted. And while people were nice, I guess, they in no way tried to make me feel welcome.

It helps that I just had such an amazing weekend at Island Park with those girls, girls who all knew each other and had tons of history and stories and pasts to share, yet still went out of their way to get to know me and make me feel happy.

My dear Outback folk were not at all like that. They just sat there, and the one guy showed us all his glass bongs he's been making (he's very talented; used to do stain glass windows), and sometimes talked about things only they knew about, and sometimes just complained or made fun of people, and swore all the time, and in a way I was slightly disappointed in them, because it was such a different front then they try to show the kids. At least, most of them; some are quite open about their lifestyles. But it was so dark. So unhappy.

I drove home that night, so grateful to be Mormon. So happy to have the friends that I do, to feel happy without needing a buzz to get there, to have seen so many nights of people playing games or doing silly things, but doing it coherently and with purpose, lighthearted fun. This night reminded me of a night a long time ago when I'd snuck out of my house and hung out with some friends. (Stan and Rachel, that night at his house, remember Julie?) Nothing bad happened that night, but I still felt icky, and I went home and just laid on my floor, sad for myself and feeling slightly dirty. That's how I felt again. I didn't do anything wrong, I "owned up" to being Mormon when they asked me, though I know how they see it. I just didn't like it.

And it's changed my whole perspective. I like being Mormon! I like goofy friends with cheesy games. I don't like all Mormons, or all mormon views. But I like the goodness, the light. I want that light. For me, it is right. I knew that, and I lost it a little, but I know it again.

And it's like coming home.

2. Coffee and breaking the word

I could try to justify my actions by explaining how extremely tired I was Friday night, after working a 50+ hour work week in 4 days, and having a long, 3.5 hour drive ahead of me. I could explain how when it comes to this, I usually drink a bunch of mountain dew because it keeps me awake and I like to have that security when driving. Then I could drag you along on the mental track that led me to wonder how Mt. Dew is sooo much different than coffee, if I were to drink either one for the caffeine content.

But really, that was just the final straw, the end result of a long line of thinking, one that began, really, with curiosity. Oh the curiosity, the wonderment of this beverage that so much of the population consumes on a daily basis. What, exactly, is so special about this product? I have had coffee before, a long time ago, but recently I have been filled with this desire to understand, to experience the wonder that is the coffee bean. Does that seem silly? It kind of is. But I have really been thinking a lot about why I do what I do, and why I don't do what I don't do, and when I made the decision and if I'm going to stick to it now. It's really a moment of re-definition, and this was something I just had to do. Like that itch you have to scratch, or the craving for See's candy nothing else can satisfy.

I left Provo about 8 PM. I knew it would be a long one, and I was already struggling to keep my eyes open. So I went into the gas station with the decision made; I would do it. I would buy coffee. So I got to the little area, saw the familiar hot chocolate, then saw the coffee. Oh no! What was this? Not a convenient little machine I stick my cup under to let the ambiguous liquid froth slowly into. No no, several coffee pots, labeled different things and, more importantly, waiting for me to grab and declare my sin. I looked around, a man was coming! He was getting coffee!!! I dodged around to the other side and pretended to be looking at sandwiches and string cheese. Finally, he was gone. Phew! I went back, I grabbed the cup, I contemplated "Brazilian bold" or "Colombian something" or whatever else. I looked at the creamers, I stalled in the sugar packets, and in the end, muttering, I got some cocoa and walked out, defeated.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't sin. I felt a little proud of myself. And also felt that my death was at hand, for hot chocolate would, if anything, put me to sleep faster than without. Off I went, to finish the last of my errands before leaving town. I decided I needed some food to munch on then, to keep me awake and stopped in at Macey's. Wait! Macey's has a little back area. Maybe they would have an incognito coffee machine I could use. It wasn't too late! So over I went, and indeed, they had a hot chocolate/cappachino machine. Toasted marshmallow or some other milk variety. I did it! I got a toasted marshmallow, consoling myself with the uncertainty about whether there is actually coffee in these things or just roasted milk. I also got some jerky, then left the store.

That toasted mallow was good! And though I tasted no coffee, I could tell almost instantly it had some sort of pick me up in it, because it did pick me up. I felt great. I started to feel more awake within minutes.

After driving a bit more, in Heber, I believe, I thought that it would be my last chance to get anything, and I wanted to caffeinate myself thoroughly early on, so it would wear off and I could sleep later that night, so I marched right in there and poured myself a cup o' joe. Took quite a while flavoring it right, adding creamers and sugars and whathaveyous. Doesn't taste good without. But then I left, my joy overflowing, with my tasty coffee that has a strangeness to it, but also a delightful lightness hot chocolate doesn't have.

I turned the music off for this drive and just talked to myself for about two hours. Made plans, thought about my future, man I felt great. Have you ever wondered how people have so much energy? Well stop wondering. It's coffee. It's miraculous, seriously. I felt alert, chipper, in a better mood. I know this sinful delight was passing through virgin coffee lips, so it probably was more potent on me than it would have been, but I honestly understand now why people drink it and feel so good afterwards.

I will get to more of the morals in a second, but let me just clarify that I didn't sleep at all that night. I got home around 11:30, energized as the bunny, and went promptly up to bed. a week of non-sleeping and hard working had left me exhausted. Pooky came up to sleep with me, and he certainly didn't help the situation. He kept poking me, moving around, tickling my arm pits. But restless cat or no, there was no denying I was wired and would not be sleeping anytime soon. Still, I dutifully tried, all night long, until 6 o'clock rolled around and I heard my parents get up. To be perfectly honest, I think the caffeine was still working in me at that point, cause I felt great and such for about an hour, then it dropped me and I was exhausted. Much grumpier with the fam, very tired and uninterested in everything. This was where I thought...hmm. On the one hand, having some more coffee would be great. Pick me right up! I know how my parents do it now, sneaky little buggers. But on the otherhand, I really don't want to need a substance to wake me up. And I really don't intend to become a coffee- drinker, though I can see how quickly you could get addicted. So I had no more, and I slept my way through the rest of the weekend.

So what now? I broke the word of wisdom, all for a whim, for a let-me-do-this-thing-i-shouldn't. That was probably not good, although I don't regret it at all. Somehow I needed to do it. And I'm glad to understand the coffee. It angers me a little, to think that people cruise through life with this wonderful bonus to help them through, while I trudge away everyday worn out. I wish I could give myself over to chemical control. I mean, I know Mormons who willingly down rock stars and other energy drinks every day, and I think...hmmm. That would certainly help me finish my route and the other 9 hours of work I have to do today.

But then, I don't want to be that person. It's just that its sort of ridiculous how I don't keep the word of wisdom at all, yet would only feel guilty about drinking coffee. What about all that sugar I eat? What about all the other crap I put in my body? Who decided what was worse, what was hugely sinful and what just recommended against. What I want to do is eat absolutely healthy for a while, and see what that does to my mood and energy. I would like to try a natural alternative, before giving in to caffeine and the like. To live all the way the healthy way I should. And if I can't do that, then I'll have to look at what is best for me and what isn't.

Anyhow, it was interesting and eye-opening. This experience taught me that I do want to be obedient. It's just who I am, and I feel more comfortable doing it. But I want to know why from now on, and I want to view others who live differently more accurately. So there it is.

1. Inversions

Here you go Jules.

Most of the sources I read said that there is no scientifically based reason for woman not to do inversion poses during menstration. Reasons that have been given include:

1. There is a natural flow of energy downward during that time of the month. Inversions reverse the flow, so your natural, energy-flowing movement is disrupted.

2. Periods are a low-energy time for most woman, so high-energy poses are bad simply because they are more taxing. The sources said that the most important thing is to listen to your body and not do anything that is too much, or be aware of being dizzy. Must respect body.

3. There is talk of inversions contributing to endom......itriosis. One article talks about other complications, but it looked old school and no scientific basis. This same article said that inversions are super good during pregnancy.
http://www.yarravilleyoga.com.au/htm/reading/reading-geeta-Iyengar-4.htm

So, most article said that the word now is just to listen to your body, that respecting the flow of energy and not pushing your body beyond what it's feeling is very important. Sorry that's not super in-depth, if you search for something like "inverted poses during menstration" a plethera of articles pop up and you can learn more to feel safe.

Help!

Okay so things have gotten a bit hectic, and I find I am not being very scientific at all. I have eaten poorly, and felt poorly afterward, but I don't think that comes as a shock for anyone. when I didn't drink water during my trip to Moab, I felt really crappy and dehydrated. Surprise! This is going to take some willpower, but besides that, I haven't done or learned anything new!!

So I need ideas. Lindsey said I need to learn not to care what adults think about me. That is great but I'm not sure how to accomplish it in the next week. I really want to make this whistle gadget thing that I'll get up here soon so you can see, but it won't happen this week. So what can I do?!?! hmmm. Anyone have a nagging question they've wanted answered but have been too busy to look up? I'll do it.

Dragon Training

explained here:

http://dancesalone2.blogspot.com/2010/05/dragon-training.html

Driving on Dirt Roads

I love driving on dirt roads. Especially in vehicles equipped to handle the terrain. I love the feel and sound of the rocks and gravel under the tires. I love the sense of being in the wilderness, away from civilization. I love seeing cows cross the street, and, on days like today, seeing wild horses and a wild horse baby walking lazily across the road. I love feeling a little like things could get out of control at any moment, so you always need your wits about you. I don't really love it in mud. Mud scares me. But a little mud is fun and leaves a mark so everyone knows how cool you are and where you have been.

Walks in the Rain

I love walking in the rain. Tonight I felt like getting out, so I set off for the Provo River Trail and a lovely late afternoon jaunt of fresh air and solitude. It started sprinkling lightly on me, but as it was warm and beautiful, I kept going.

Down by the lake Provo is all country. I walked past horses grazing their evening meal. I said hello to cows and calves that attempted to intimidate me by staring eerily at me as I ambled by. I saw green fields and blue mountain outlines in the distance. I watched birds tumble gracefully through the sky and saw a crane soar overhead. People were out fishing peacefully, and the air pulsed vibrantly in stillness.

Despite recent fears and panics about turning 28 tomorrow, as I meandered down that country road in a steadily deepening rain, I felt completely exhilerated and knew that there was no where I would rather be, at that moment. And if those moments can overcome all the other moments, than I really will be happy, no matter where I am.

So to begin this year of experimenting, I have learned tonight that nature brings peace and getting soaked in the rain is one of my favorite things to do. I look forward to learning much, much more this year.