3. I am a Mormon!!!!

So there has been this somewhat obvious dilemma in my mind about the kind of life I want to live. I've been exposed to very different lifestyles, and sometimes alternative lifestyles seem appealing to me. Sometimes people not of my faith seem to be much happier, seem to enjoy life a lot more, and I thought that I didn't want to stifle myself. Thus the timid experimenting or mild dabbling in forbidden pleasures. But then I had an experience a week ago that may have clarified things for me once again.

I love the people I work with at Outback. They are why I now work full time at outback and will soon be leaving my meter job. I love working with the kids, of course, but I really love the different people I work with, and how almost every day I have an inspirational talk with someone, and hear about different ways of viewing the world. I really do cherish that.

But my exposure to these people has led me to question my way of life. Has led me to want to broaden my horizons, so to speak. And then last Monday, a very kind and wonderful girl from my work invited me to a party she was having at her house in salt lake. She had invited all the off-rotation staff. I have been trying to say yes to things more, to get out and do things, so I went.

Let me clarify. Party was actually some nachos and a movie. Anyway, I carpooled with my closest friend from Outback, Emily, who is also a tad bit on the fringes of this group but not Mormon and so in a way, fits in more. We were some of the first to get there, and chatted while others filtered in.

I must preface this by saying I really do love these people; they are wonderful and live great lives and do great things with their lives, and I think they are amazing field staff.

But I did not enjoy hanging out with them. There were three guys for a while, then another showed up, but they all got their beers and smoked constantly. The girls also drank beer and smoked, which is not weird for me, not uncomfortable, really, except that this time I was the only one not doing it. But though I have thought somewhat longlingly and reminiscently of drinking lately, I was not even remotely tempted. And while people were nice, I guess, they in no way tried to make me feel welcome.

It helps that I just had such an amazing weekend at Island Park with those girls, girls who all knew each other and had tons of history and stories and pasts to share, yet still went out of their way to get to know me and make me feel happy.

My dear Outback folk were not at all like that. They just sat there, and the one guy showed us all his glass bongs he's been making (he's very talented; used to do stain glass windows), and sometimes talked about things only they knew about, and sometimes just complained or made fun of people, and swore all the time, and in a way I was slightly disappointed in them, because it was such a different front then they try to show the kids. At least, most of them; some are quite open about their lifestyles. But it was so dark. So unhappy.

I drove home that night, so grateful to be Mormon. So happy to have the friends that I do, to feel happy without needing a buzz to get there, to have seen so many nights of people playing games or doing silly things, but doing it coherently and with purpose, lighthearted fun. This night reminded me of a night a long time ago when I'd snuck out of my house and hung out with some friends. (Stan and Rachel, that night at his house, remember Julie?) Nothing bad happened that night, but I still felt icky, and I went home and just laid on my floor, sad for myself and feeling slightly dirty. That's how I felt again. I didn't do anything wrong, I "owned up" to being Mormon when they asked me, though I know how they see it. I just didn't like it.

And it's changed my whole perspective. I like being Mormon! I like goofy friends with cheesy games. I don't like all Mormons, or all mormon views. But I like the goodness, the light. I want that light. For me, it is right. I knew that, and I lost it a little, but I know it again.

And it's like coming home.